My version of “Jesus take the wheel” looks like this…
I’m speeding down the highway, windows down, Pearl Jam blasting.
I’m on my 3rd cigarette and chugging a coffee.
It’s Friday, so it’s not coffee, it’s a Bulleit & Diet…a BDC if you will.
While driving, I scream at the guy sitting next to me…
“IDK IF I CAN DO IT ANYMORE MAN”
I ask him to take the wheel.
“No problem brother, that’s what I’m here for.”
At 95 mph, cigarette and “coffee” in hand, I bail out the drivers side door.
Jesus, you now have the wheel.
Good luck.
Please let me know when we get there.
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
It won’t mean as much today as it did yesterday…
Great expectations, with passing time, tend to make life heavier than it needs to be.
But maybe I’m still just getting started.
“When’s it going to happen” or “what if it never does” are the questions that plague me.
I’m in search of my big bang, the thing that comes out of no where and alters the course of my life.
In an interview with Zane Lowe, Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) says…
“I had definitely given up. I think I needed to give up the dream that I’d created my whole life.
I wanted to have music be my job so badly.
I was holding on way too tight.
When I finally was like maybe I can’t do this, maybe I’m not built for this, maybe I should be able to accept my nature, and go back to school, and teach music…
It just happened, right in that moment…
when I let go.”
I told myself on New Years Day that this is the last year I can go on living this way.
It’s been almost a decade without a consistent income, constantly struggling to make ends meet, working more hours for “free” than paid.
Some days, I’m not really sure what I want to happen anymore.
It’s exhausting, trying to make the world believe you’re special, that you have some talent that warrants attention, let alone a paycheck.
As I’ve become more willing to let the wind blow me where it chooses, I can’t tell whose hands are on the wheel anymore.
As someone who fears mediocrity, I’ve ironically spent the last decade achieving exactly that.
I was 27 when Reverb did this article on our studio.
We were scrambling to get some press, as Covid had Los Angeles shut down completely.
It’s been a year since we closed the doors to this place, and I’ve never felt more lost.
After a lot of hard work, I had everything I’d ever wanted, whether I realized it or not.
A sweet studio, a growing business, a weekly showcase with up & coming artists at a legendary venue, that I had just recently expanded to NYC, Nashville, and Atlanta…
Cool things like this were happening…
But after failing to pick up the pieces and get back on track post Covid, I’ve been forced to begin again.
Today, I’m reminded that talking about your past is like talking to a stranger about a dead relative, or a dream you had last night…
No one gives a fuck.
Finding faith…in ?
As much as I talk about letting go, I find myself unable to, at least not yet.
It’s hard to let go when you can’t make sense of what’s happened.
As I watch Vikings on Netflix for the second time, I’m reminded how powerful faith is.
It seems that since the beginning of time, every war begins in a conflict of faith.
I ask myself what I have faith in.
“Well at this point, I just have faith in myself” my girlfriend says, after explaining her complicated relationship with religion.
In these moments, I find it more interesting to live and die by whatever philosophy is held by the opposition, rather than simply agreeing with a very harmless statement.
My girlfriend, like most others, does not enjoy this quality of mine.
“Wait, how can you say that?
What about god?
You should probably have faith in God above yourself.
I feel like something bad’s going to happen to you if you keep saying that.”
Over pizza & chicken wings at Rocco’s that night, Lucas Flood the monk was born.
For context, I have read 0 pages of the bible, spent exactly 0 hours in church, and am a complete moron.
Yet, as my Vikings and the Christians of England did for centuries, we went to war.
Now, more than ever, I’ve been looking for somewhere to place my faith.
In the bible, it’s written that faith itself is a gift from god.
The more I think about it, having faith in yourself, the faith to follow your heart, your dreams, your gut, your instincts, is a strength that not everyone has.
It’s important to have faith in yourself.
This is what will lead you to your big bang.
But where does the strength to have that faith come from in the first place?
I’ll ask Jess at dinner tonight.
Long live Rock n Roll,
Lucas
I've been warped by the rain, driven by the snow
I'm drunk and dirty, don't you know
And I'm still
Willin'
Well, I've been kicked by the wind, robbed by the sleet
Had my head stoved in, but I'm still on my feet
And I'm still
Willin'
I think true faith is found ultimately through the human experience. Surviving and thriving against all odds; it’s the point of existing. I love this speech from Daenerys Targaryen, my favorite part being: “Do you know what kept me standing, through all those years in exile? Faith. Not in any god, not in myths and legends. In myself.” Welp, who knew Jessica was the mother of dragons?