Living In The Present Tense
it's not easy.
"You can spend your time alone, re-digesting past regrets...
Or you can come to terms and realize...
You're the only one who can forgive yourself...
It makes much more sense, to live in the present tense..."
I was leaving the gym yesterday morning, and held the door open for this (extremely) old man, who has still somehow found the will to work out at 127 yrs old...
Standing in the elevator with him, all I could think about was what his mindset must be…does he think about dying every day? I would. How does he get up and go to the gym, knowing he’s like 3 months from death? At that stage in life, I wouldn't blame him if he developed a passion for cocaine and hookers, n sailed into the sunset with Destiny & Sapphire, leaving all his troubles behind...but no, this savage has chosen to pump iron. Respect.
The fact of the matter is, however simple it may be, that this man has no choice but to live for right now. For today. Because the odds of his tomorrow existing have slumped against him.
Debatably one of the most difficult aspects of human existence is remaining present. I guess at some point, the odds turn against us all…waking up tomorrow is no longer the favorite. As they say, today is the youngest day of our lives.
It's little encounters like this, that puts it all in perspective. I’ve spent too much time in the mental land of "un-forgiveness." I haven’t forgiven myself for the past decade of decisions, not because I'm upset with myself for making them, or that I have regrets...but because the version of me right now is not who / where I thought I’d be when I was 20. It’s an unnecessary disappointment, and it’s wasted a lot of my time and brain power (i'm naturally short on BP to begin with).
The truth is, the expectations, knowledge, and overall wisdom of a 20 yr old is unfathomably clouded by fanatical desire. If you asked me at 20 where I'd be at 30, without blinking I would've said "sleeping on a bed of money in the Hollywood Hills with 3 wives."
But by 25, you learn that the state of California takes 30% of your money, and if you want to work in music, you need a relatively pointless $100,000 degree and 10 yrs of experience for an entry level gig, or an absolutely brilliant idea that prints money / also fills the artistic void within you (good luck with that one).
A lot of things change over time. I think the forgiveness is in part accepting that some things have changed, and some were out of your control. Covid played a bigger part in all of this than we will ever understand…the tik tok boom, the furthering change in music consumption, even what we consider a "star" is now different than it was 3 years ago. Someday, when we try to explain this to our kids, we’ll have a moment alone where we say to ourselves laughingly “wow, that was actually in-fucking-sane.”
So it’s cheesy, it’s cliche...it’s honest & true, all at the same time. Today is everything. Right now is as good as it gets.
I say these things because I’m often struggling myself...to keep pushin, always searching for a greater purpose, something that will make sense of all this.
I do have a newfound belief, that within all of us is an extraordinary talent...we just have to do some serious exploring, be willing to make a certain amount of mistakes, and withstand a sizable amount of pain to get to the center of that muthafuckin tootsie pop baby.
You are your harshest critic. No one else will ever give as much of a fuck as you. Ease up. Don't let things get to heavy, and let the wind blow as it will.
AND DON'T YOU DARE FORGET
Long live rock n roll.
"Have you ideas on how this life ends?
Checked your hands and studied the lines?
Have you the belief that the road ahead ascends off into the light?
Seems that needlessly it's gettin' harder
To find an approach and a way to live..."